1 AM Rambling

I've had a lot on my mind lately, about how my dad's death has effected me. So I've made changes starting spiritually. I have so many unanswered questions about our relationship and other people's point of view on it was basically he let the booze get in the way and it was my fault for living in Wyoming. If that's the truth than I'm sorry not that it matters now. I'm doing my best to think positive and do things that make me feel better. I want peace, because in my whole life I've never had it. There always been some kind of storm I seem to have to weather inside myself due to others. I know I'm the only one who can contro l my thoughts and all that, but its not always easy as it seems. When you've spent your whole life feeling like a freak and failure. Watching my friends be able to really have a life and live. While I was home playing 'Mommy'. And when I found out I was pregnant for the first time I wasn't filled with joy like some of my friends. I was angry. I do realize how babies are made and all that. But the way it happened is for another blog.

But once Tyler was born I realized that my only goal in life was to give this little girl more than I had and show her that she didn't have to worry about anything cause Mom has her back. Having Hayden three years later I made the choice not to have anymore children, because my family history well its not good. My mothers had three children and her third was a still birth. I didn't want that to happen to me. Both my births were scary as hell for me. Being a mother or parent has always came naturally to me I guess. Having to be the parent from a young age I guess just got me ready for motherhood.

I won't lie recently I have felt like I have failed my kids. Leaving them to handle things with my dad's death. And having people tell me how I was handling everything wrong just put me in this state of mind where I felt like I was a piece of shit. I still feel like that, but I just have to tell myself I am not those people and they didn't have to handle it. At the end of the day its just me trying to make it though journey we call life. And my goal is still to be the best mother I can be. And for a little while I got to be Misty again. It's a rare moment when s  happens. I really don't know who to be Misty. Being Mom is what I know. Being told I need to learn how to live a little. Get out and have some fun. FUN? What the hell is that? I haven't the option to have fun on my terms or in my own ways in forever.

How does spirituality fit into this? By making myself more at peace I feel like I can enjoy life and be a better mother, sister, aunt, and friend. It comes back to what I think of myself. And I want to look in the mirror and like the person I see. And there is so much about myself I want to change. I want to be thinner I want to not be a freak or have fucked up teeth. I would love not have thick glasses. But I know this is all stuff I was giving to make me who I am like it or not. I'll be 38 in few months and if I've learned anything in all my years on this earth that you need to enjoy the small things in life, because soon enough life throat punches you. I want to be angry at my parents for everything I've been through, but they did the best they could or as good as they were willing to do. My father passed away and I'll never get to show him the things I've accomplished or the things I have yet to do. He will never get to see the beautiful women his granddaughters will turn into.

He will never know that his oldest granddaughter has his nose and dimples. That she can carry a tune and is one hell of an actress and all this talk about me being a lawyer cuz of my arguing skills she has it. And his youngest granddaughter is outgoing and loves the outdoors even though she's a girly girl. I hope he's looking down on them smiling. And if not that's okay too. Because I know in my heart I'll carry on the good things he taught me about life. One day I hope to make my kids proud of me. I'm not really sure the point of this blog, but I just had to get out of me. Feeling super emotional. Then again anymore I've always feeling like that.

Summer Plans

Summer is fast approaching and I'm not really a summer person. I hate hot weather. Being a big girl I don't dig sweating and getting boob gravy & swamp ass. Normally I don't have any summer plans, but this year that's changed. Last year I went to my first book signing in Tulsa,OK and I'll be trying to return to it this summer. I say trying, because with my dad passing away it's thrown a wrench into the works of planning and saving. 

I'm excited and nervous for it, because of my own book. Though I've wrote six before it with BJ. It being my own work if it's shit it is on me. And as it stands right now everything comes up with BJ's name first. Sometimes I don't even feel like I did anything in our books, but that's just be being a Debbie Downer. Other than going to Tulsa I'm hoping to get a few more books out before the holidays. I'm working on two as it is. Another on my own and one with another co-author. Both books are kind of out of my comfort zone, but I hope they turn out well.

Since Crimson Apocalypse came out the feedback (what little I've gotten) has been good, but I worry the few people that have talked to me about it where bias. Being a small Indy author I don't have a large fan/reader base or the ones that I do have can't seem to afford to buy my book. And I know the struggle of being broke AF. I am thankful for any sale I make and any feedback I get.

I wonder what everyone else is going to do for Summer?