2019

2019 
Pros

1. I got to go home an see my family & friends. 
2. Found two books signings closer to me. 
3. I got to finally meet my bestie and sister from another mister Amy Walden and her wonderful family. 
4. I got amazing feedback on my solo book Crimson Apocalypse.
5. I learned a few new things about myself.  
6. I got an idea for the book I'm working on now. 

Cons

1. My father passed away on January 10th! 
2. I got heat rash never had it before in my life. Thank you Amy! 
3. I got chewed alive by bugs and other things. Gotta love the summer!

In all honesty it was a very hard year for me on a lot of levels and I am not sorry to see it go! That being said it bring me a lot of great memories and taught me a lot of things about myself. Going into 2020 I have a lot of goals and I know this new year is going to bring me wonderful things. I will not say any of that "New Year! New me!" Shit. LOL That's me not. As we get older we all change. I am not the same person I was at the start of 2019, and I hope by the end of 2020 I'm a better version of the Misty I am now. I have so many thing I want to do and challenges I want to overcome just to test myself. Thank you to everyone who bought a copy of Crimson Apocalypse. Here's to 2020 may we all move on to bigger and better things in our lives!!

Happy New Years!

Friends/Sisters Family is what you make it!

Friendship is defined as the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends. Through out our lives we all make and loose friends. I know in my 38 years on this planet I've lost friends I thought always be there and as time went on things changes as they inevitably always do! I have a small group of friends that are not friends anymore to me they are my family. Some of you may not know this about me, but my sister Kelly was stillborn. Since I never got to know her and have the joy of having a little sister or a sister period I started adopting sisters. Like people adopt pets. LOL

Not that I'm without siblings I have a little two younger brothers Kenny who has also passed on and Daniel. Being the oldest and only girl was great. NOT! Though I love my brothers like no other I wish had those changes to have a little sister. That's why I'm glad Tyler and Hayden have each other even if right now they fight all the time. Once they grown up and move out they'll see what a great gift it is to have a partner in crime. Someone to keep your secrets and help you through hard times. But I digress my friends that have become family. I know in my heart I've very blessed for the sisters I have now.  This blog idea came from my sister Amy. She texted me today to say she missed me and wished I was still there with her. She lives in Indiana and I live in Wyoming. We met online and have been best friends/sisters for 14 years! And this summer was the first time we had met face to face. Her text made me think a moment. 'Why would she miss me? We only spent a little time together?!'

In reality she has been with me most of my marriage and was there when I found out I was with Hayden. So, does friendship really on count if you see this person on the daily. Or live in the same time zone. Well I'm here to tell you it doesn't. I'm lucky to have ladies in my life I've known since childhood and our bond has never changed or wavered. And it doesn't matter how much time has passed we always pick up right where we left off. Some of my sisters like Amy I met online and haven't yet to meet them face to face, but that doesn't change nothing. Our bond and connection is strong. Then are the ones that live right here in Wyoming with me. Ms. Donna I adopted whether she liked it or not. She has been in my kids life since my oldest was 2 yrs old. I've lived in Wright for almost 15 years and all those years she's the only one who reached out to me (I bet she wish she hadn't at times. LOL ) to come hang out. And I don't think I've ever told her how much that meant to me that she did that night.

Growing up back home in Tidioute I was use to people always coming over to my house to hang out and moving to Wyoming without any friends or family it was hard for me. I assumed I'd never really make any friends, but thanks to Donna I have made a few here in town. I don't know if you'd call me a hermit or introvert, but I don't normally like meeting new people I always worry they will judge me, because of my handicap. So, I stay to myself mostly. Though behind a keyboard I can be myself. I guess my point of this blog is the saying 'Family is what you make it!' Is true! And I'm so blessed for my group of friends. And if any of you read this! THANK YOU for being you! I love you! Leave me a comment below please! It can be a memory of us or just something to know you read this!!

Favoritism

So, growing up I never really had to worry much about favoritism between my brothers and myself. My mother never pulled that shit often and when she did I told her about it. I can understand sometimes as a parent we have a bond stronger with one child more than other I know it happens, but what really had me upset is the fact that my children are going through this with my mother in law. And I know I'll probably get private messages and text about how I shouldn't say anything about it, but I'm sorry after almost sixteen years of my girls crying and asking why their Nana can't be bothered with them I'm over it.

My oldest daughter birthday is the same as her cousins and because of this she has never had her Nana at her birthday. The mother in law is always willing to drive hours to see her daughter's kids and do things with them. Take them on vacation and spend tons of money on them. But my kids are chop liver. Now if you dislike me that's totally fine, but my kids shouldn't suffer for it. Since my kids dad and I got together he's spent all his time sucking up and chasing after her. All holidays it's hit or miss if she sends them even a card. This month my oldest will be 16 years old, and their Nana decided to throw a party for Tyler's birthday. That's awesome! Though Tyler doesn't want it and in fact doesn't even wanna go to see her Dad's family. I was trying to encourage her to go, because seeing her Nana, Aunt, Uncles, and Cousins are important. Till I find out my mother in law doesn't want my youngest there. Its bad enough I wasn't invited and I won't be spending time with my daughter on her special day, but for her to cut out Hayden who was looking forward to it. Well needless to say it took everything in me not to call her and go off.

As a mother I couldn't do that to my girls. I always try make sure everything is equal. Birthdays and other holidays I do my best to make sure neither feel left out or over looked. Growing up I know what it felt like at times to watch my little brothers get more than me Christmas time. Because I was the oldest I was suppose to suck it up and deal with it. And for the most part I just excepted it, but as a parent now I'm very upset on how my in laws treat my girls. Maybe I'm wrong to feel this way. Fav

Q&A

What’s your Favourite Book? The Last Vampire Series by Christopher Pike. 

What’s your favourite ice cream flavor? Mint Chocolate Chip 

What’s your most embarrassing childhood memory? I'm not really sure. I have so many. The first one that comes to mind is when I was about 12 and I got my foot stuck in my dad's van. And I really panicked he had left me in the van while he ran into his work. Told me not to move and I wanted the drink he had got me in the back of the van. As I was climbing over the seats I got stuck. When he came back and found me I look to pathetic to yell at so he just laughed at me for a good moment before freeing me from the seat. 

What are your 3 Favourite Movies?

1. Buffy The Vampire Slayer! "Pike isn't a name its a fish!" RIP Luke Perry!
2. The Sword In The Stone
3. Every Which Way but Loose

What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been? Charlotte, NC. Haven't been many places. 

What accomplishment are you most proud of? Other than my daughters. I would have to say writing and publishing my first solo book. 

Who would you like to live like for a day? Beyoncé (Who wouldn’t?!)

If you could ask your pet 3 questions, and they could answer. What would they be?
1.  Are you happy?
2. Who is your favorite human, and why?
3. Why am I not allowed to use the bathroom alone? 

When you’re having a bad day, what do you do to make yourself feel better? I try and find something funny to watch to cheer me up and take my mind off stuff. Or I go listen to angry music till the bad mood or feelings pass. 

Using one word, how would you describe your family? Crazy! 

Who is the funniest person you know? My nephew Roland. 

What is the scariest movie you've ever seen? I watch a lot of scary movies. As an adult there only been two movies that made me pause them, because they freaked me out. The new Texas Chainsaw Massacre Leatherface, and Masters of Horror Jenifer.  

Who’s your celebrity crush? I have a few but I'll go with Mark Wahlberg.

If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be? It's a tie between Ireland and Germany. 

If you could shop for free at one store, which would you choose? That's kind of a hard question for me. I want to say Torrid so I can get nice clothes in my size, but I also want to say Books a Million or Sephora. 

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? It was a tie between a chef and an actress. 

What’s your favorite day of the week? I really don't have one. Other than Friday The 13th.

Who would play you in a movie about your life? Melissa McCarthy or Chrissy Metz 

What’s the one food you could never bring yourself to eat? Rocky Mountain Oysters 

What’s your pet peeve? As a mother I got a lot. People not closing cabinets and draws. Or not putting a new roll of toilet paper or paper towels on the thing. And it has to be over and not under. My OCD won't let it go if its under. 

I’d love to hear your answers to these questions too! Give it a go in the comments, you might learn something new about yourself!

Jared Morgan (Character from The Creation Inc Book Series)

Jared Morgan hasn’t had it easy. Imprisoned for a crime that he didn’t commit, he faces life as an ex con, trying to overcome his past and be the man that his young son needs him to be after being locked up for too many years. His mate was a nightmare, mentally and physically scarring both him and his son, leaving him cynical and jaded when it comes to the idea of love. But that won’t stop the young pantheress that blows into town and sets her sights on him.

1 AM Rambling

I've had a lot on my mind lately, about how my dad's death has effected me. So I've made changes starting spiritually. I have so many unanswered questions about our relationship and other people's point of view on it was basically he let the booze get in the way and it was my fault for living in Wyoming. If that's the truth than I'm sorry not that it matters now. I'm doing my best to think positive and do things that make me feel better. I want peace, because in my whole life I've never had it. There always been some kind of storm I seem to have to weather inside myself due to others. I know I'm the only one who can contro l my thoughts and all that, but its not always easy as it seems. When you've spent your whole life feeling like a freak and failure. Watching my friends be able to really have a life and live. While I was home playing 'Mommy'. And when I found out I was pregnant for the first time I wasn't filled with joy like some of my friends. I was angry. I do realize how babies are made and all that. But the way it happened is for another blog.

But once Tyler was born I realized that my only goal in life was to give this little girl more than I had and show her that she didn't have to worry about anything cause Mom has her back. Having Hayden three years later I made the choice not to have anymore children, because my family history well its not good. My mothers had three children and her third was a still birth. I didn't want that to happen to me. Both my births were scary as hell for me. Being a mother or parent has always came naturally to me I guess. Having to be the parent from a young age I guess just got me ready for motherhood.

I won't lie recently I have felt like I have failed my kids. Leaving them to handle things with my dad's death. And having people tell me how I was handling everything wrong just put me in this state of mind where I felt like I was a piece of shit. I still feel like that, but I just have to tell myself I am not those people and they didn't have to handle it. At the end of the day its just me trying to make it though journey we call life. And my goal is still to be the best mother I can be. And for a little while I got to be Misty again. It's a rare moment when s  happens. I really don't know who to be Misty. Being Mom is what I know. Being told I need to learn how to live a little. Get out and have some fun. FUN? What the hell is that? I haven't the option to have fun on my terms or in my own ways in forever.

How does spirituality fit into this? By making myself more at peace I feel like I can enjoy life and be a better mother, sister, aunt, and friend. It comes back to what I think of myself. And I want to look in the mirror and like the person I see. And there is so much about myself I want to change. I want to be thinner I want to not be a freak or have fucked up teeth. I would love not have thick glasses. But I know this is all stuff I was giving to make me who I am like it or not. I'll be 38 in few months and if I've learned anything in all my years on this earth that you need to enjoy the small things in life, because soon enough life throat punches you. I want to be angry at my parents for everything I've been through, but they did the best they could or as good as they were willing to do. My father passed away and I'll never get to show him the things I've accomplished or the things I have yet to do. He will never get to see the beautiful women his granddaughters will turn into.

He will never know that his oldest granddaughter has his nose and dimples. That she can carry a tune and is one hell of an actress and all this talk about me being a lawyer cuz of my arguing skills she has it. And his youngest granddaughter is outgoing and loves the outdoors even though she's a girly girl. I hope he's looking down on them smiling. And if not that's okay too. Because I know in my heart I'll carry on the good things he taught me about life. One day I hope to make my kids proud of me. I'm not really sure the point of this blog, but I just had to get out of me. Feeling super emotional. Then again anymore I've always feeling like that.

Summer Plans

Summer is fast approaching and I'm not really a summer person. I hate hot weather. Being a big girl I don't dig sweating and getting boob gravy & swamp ass. Normally I don't have any summer plans, but this year that's changed. Last year I went to my first book signing in Tulsa,OK and I'll be trying to return to it this summer. I say trying, because with my dad passing away it's thrown a wrench into the works of planning and saving. 

I'm excited and nervous for it, because of my own book. Though I've wrote six before it with BJ. It being my own work if it's shit it is on me. And as it stands right now everything comes up with BJ's name first. Sometimes I don't even feel like I did anything in our books, but that's just be being a Debbie Downer. Other than going to Tulsa I'm hoping to get a few more books out before the holidays. I'm working on two as it is. Another on my own and one with another co-author. Both books are kind of out of my comfort zone, but I hope they turn out well.

Since Crimson Apocalypse came out the feedback (what little I've gotten) has been good, but I worry the few people that have talked to me about it where bias. Being a small Indy author I don't have a large fan/reader base or the ones that I do have can't seem to afford to buy my book. And I know the struggle of being broke AF. I am thankful for any sale I make and any feedback I get.

I wonder what everyone else is going to do for Summer?  

Surreal Moment With My Daughter

I spent my night going through my closest looking for something to wear to my dad's funeral. For the longest time I only bought black dress clothes. Black goes with everything. Then it was brought to my attention I need more than black in my closest. As I've lost weight I've bought new clothes. And I'll be damned if all my black dress clothes didn't fit. I stood there pulling things off the hangers cursing, because I never thought I'd have to worry about owning funeral clothes. I knew my dad was getting up there in age, but goddamn it he was going live to be 102 years old. Still kicking ass and taking names! Then I started to laugh, cause what did I have left to wear colored dress shirt and a plum colored dress. I won't lie at that point I snapped and pulled everything down in the closest. I sat down on my bed trying to calm down. It was just a funeral right no one is going to be judging me on how I look. They will be to busy crying with me... Right? I felt like I was a little girl again trying to find something to wear to church that my Great G'ma Lou would be okay with and not have a cow about. Though I don't think anyone in the family can beat my cousin Danielle's California Raisin boxers stunt. Wearing those to church. That was priceless.

As I sat on the bed I started thinking about my dad. He didn't give a rat's ass about how he dressed. After he left the military he stopped wearing t-shirts. He always wore button up shirts and camo fatigue pants for the longest time. I'd buy him jeans and shorts, but he wasn't having it. Till I was in my 20's I finally got him to wear shorts and some jeans. I heard him saying "Who the hell cares what I look like as long as its clean and my ass is covered who gives a shit. This isn't a fashion show!" As that point I started laughing as my youngest daughter came into the room. She looked at me like I was a crazy person. She asked if I was okay, seeing the mess on the floor. I told her I was just fine. I was having problem picking out an outfit. She sat down next to me and took my hand in hers. Squeezing it she smiled and said. "Don't worry Mom I know what you need." I asked what that was? She hugged me and I said thank you. She goes. "No not that I know what shirt you can wear. I googled dress stuff for a funeral for ladies." I was totally shocked. My youngest is 12 years old. I still look at her like she's 5!

"You didn't have to do that." "I know." She replied getting up from the bed. "Since Dad has been to a lot of them and Nana got him a jacket and stuff for it I've been wondering what ladies wear." She left the room and came back with my black sweater that has a white shirt with marble pattern on it. "Here you go Mom. It's dark, but not to dark. I found leggings also I put them in on top of the washer. I hope I helped."

Now let me tell you I was stunned. I thanked her and gave her a big hug. I really think if she hadn't helped me I'd probably of lost my shit totally. It was surreal as I started packing for the trip home I couldn't believe I was finally going home. People keep asking me if I'm excited to go home to see my family. And honestly I'm terrified. I won't be there that long and I'm worried I won't get to see everyone I want to and someone will be upset with me. After this I'm going back to buying black clothes.

My dad (3am Ramblings)

This year is off to a weird start. The last few months of 2018 I had been thinking a lot of about my dad, and the fact our relationship hasn't really been there. After all the family members my girls father has lost and the few of my own I've lost it made me start thinking about how that my parents won't be around forever. And when we were are younger we think our parents are bulletproof. And my dad was no different.
I found out he's in the hospital. And it took me a moment to process what my cousin Jessica was telling. My dad in the hospital? The same man how taught me how to use duct tape for a bandaid and told me the best medicine is a shot of vodka or wild turkey will cure anything you got. And its mind over matter. You're only sick if you think you are! She told me he'd fell. Again I'm thinking he fell like some old person?! Not my dad!! I did the math and he's in his 70's now. How the hell did that happen?

Talking to my girls about him earlier today they asked me what are somethings I've learned from him. That is really good question. I've learned some good things and some bad things. My dad is old school as it comes. He didn't believe in hunting, but he loves to fish. He'd take me fishing in the spring and summer when I was younger. He taught me how to use a gun and a knife. He always felt it was important to able to do things for myself. He never treated me like I was handicap or disabled. That is something that holds fast in my mind. He taught me that if I don't know something I need to be smart enough to learn how to find out the information. Book smart is just as important as street smart. He taught me the value of money and the importance of keeping your bills pay.
All good things that have served me well and I've been trying to pass all the little things on to my girls. Though it hasn't always been great life lessons. I know him being old school he didn't parent like someone would now a days. He's always been a hardcore drinker. He never let that stop him from working or do anything he really wanted to do, but in the same token when he was drunk it made him a totally different person. And because of that it put a fear in me that if I drank I'd turn into the kind of person he is. Both my parents are mean drunks or can be.
He's never sugar coated things with me. He's very much into telling you like it is. He'd give you the shirt off his back and his last dime if he knew it could help you. Helping others was a value he taught me early on.

When I think of him there are a few things what always come to mind. Him being a truck driver most of my life. Growing up he listen to a lot of different music. From Hank Williams to B.B King. I believe those are his favorites to listen to. I grew up listening to oldies and bluegrass music. Him growing up in the 30's I'm kind of jealous of him. He got to hear all the good music first. He's actually the one who named me. My named me after a Clint Eastwood movie 'Play Misty For Me!' if you have never watched the movie it's about a DJ that had a stalker. Normally I wouldn't think he'd watch that kind of movie, but Clint was in it anything with him or John Wayne in it and my dad was totally into it. When I was a teenager I saved up money one year for Christmas and got him all of John Wayne's movies. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face when he opened his gift that year. He'd just got himself a new VHS and DVD player. He had no idea how to hook it up. He told me it was my job to figure it out when he came to get me. And normally anything techy like that he left up to me to hook up and show me how to use. When he opened his gift the look on his face was priceless. He was shocked and along with the John Wayne movies I got him 'Play Misty For Me', 'Every Which Way but Loose', and 'Dirty Harry.'

I think he was shocked that I paid attention to the things he liked. It's amazing the things we learn or stick around from our parents. He use to have a cassette tape in his van of Believe by Cher. My favorite song on it was Taxi, Taxi. I don't know why that song sticks out to most. Just another weird thing I guess. I hope he gets better soon and that'll call me. I would like to rebuild our relationship if not for myself, than for my girls. I think they could learn a lot from their grandpa.